…of the latest Star Trek movie, some things we said about it while watching:
Ben: Kirk’s mom is the worst actress ever.
Me: Well, she is KIRK’S mom.
Ben: Yeah, I guess she’d have to be.
[on first seeing the Romulan ship]
Ben: Hey! It’s the Vorlon ship from Babylon 5!
Me: Someone’s been recycling sets…
[after first seeing the Romulans]
Ben: Why don’t they look like they did in the series?
Me: Are they supposed to be Maori?
Ben: I think they’re supposed to be punks or something.
[after a scene in which the young Kirk totals his stepdad’s car, and young Spock gets into a fight]:
Me: So they become friends in reform school?
[after Spock’s mom disappears]
Me: Was that Winona Ryder???????
Ben: THAT wasn’t in the original.
[after confusing special effects sequence]
Me: At least it’s visually better than the old movies.
Ben: I could make better space explosions with a cardboard cutout of George W. Bush and the flower-shaped webcam.
[on introducing the crew]
Me: If they wanted to carry on the Star Trek tradition of utopian multi-culturalism, they’d have a Muslim or a Sikh instead of Chekhov.
On screen: Chekhov says something in a thick Russian accent.
Me: Oh well. At least his accent sounds pretty real.
[an unexpected turn in a fight scene]
Me: What! Where did Sulu get the sword from?
Ben: He’s Japanese. Don’t ask questions.
And a list of NERD MOMENTS:
– Kirk makes out with green girl.
– “Dammit, Jim, I’m a doctor, not a _______”
– “I can’t doo it, Captain!” (Scotty)
– Spock comes out with a useless and random statistic (“Our chances of success are less than 4.33 percent”)
– Red-suited dude on expedition dies within minutes of leaving the ship
– Transporting out in the nick of time
– Kirk leers at every woman in sight
– Kirk breaks the rules and succeeds
What I liked about it:
– The dude who played Captain/Admiral Pike also played the president in National Treasure 2
– The waterboarding/preemptive defense thing (though Ben read this pretty much the opposite way – I thought it was a subtle criticism of the War on Terror, Ben thought it was a defense of it)
– Spock was hotter than Kirk, PLUS he was dating Uhura, making it not only an interracial but interspecies romance – cool
– Better special effects than before, even if they did do the “phaser blast hits ship, everybody leans one way”
Things I didn’t like:
– Kirk was a dick for most of the movie, but remains the hero
– Lots of gratuitous death and violence (look, every time the ship is hit part of it doesn’t need to blow apart and suck three people into space, OK?)
– Red matter? Huh?
– Even I know that the black hole thing is remarkably stupid. When you go through a black hole you do not go back in time. Or if you do you don’t live through it. You go through instead a process known as “spaghettification“. I believe a WORMHOLE is the notional astronomical object that will send you back in time.
– Keeping on the theme of black holes, I don’t think that you could do what they do at the end to avoid being eaten by the black hole and have it work. I think if you get that close you’re toast. I may be wrong about this, though.
– TOO MANY NERD POINTS. It was a bit “Snakes on a Plane”-ish in that way. It’s like they had to get all the Star Trek cliches and tropes in and only had two hours to do it. It made the characters feel wooden and two-dimensional.
– Plus the acting mostly sucked. Even Leonard Nimoy wasn’t very good. But then he’s pretty old and probably just doing it for the money.