After reading about George Sodini (the man who shot up a gym full of women because he couldn’t get a date) and his involvement with various”Pick-Up Artist” gurus, I decided to repost my reaction to my one encounter with someone who plays The Game.
The Game, if you don’t know what it is, is a collection of creepy pseudo-scientific “techniques” – popular with so-called “pick-up artists” – that are supposed to magically make hot young women want to sleep with angry middle-aged loners. They range from the innocuous “Approach every woman you meet and ask for her phone number” – can’t hurt, right? – to the obviously misogynist like “negging” (giving a backhanded compliment that’s really an insult to knock down her self-esteem and throw her off guard – “Wow, that dress is really flattering. It’s great that you’re so good at finding clothes that minimize your butt”) and the downright creepy and technically illegal – “Put your hand on her thigh even if you’ve just met her and she tells you to stop”.
It’s creepy and sexist and just really sad, in my opinion. Anyway. Around a year ago I was in a bar with another girl having a meeting about something business-related. We ran into a guy who we both know slightly. He invited himself and his friend to sit with us, took control of and derailed our conversation, tried some extremely amateur mentalism on both of us (failing miserably in my case at least), spouted a lot of “battle of the sexes” nonsense and generally was a complete douchebag. After I heard more about “TEH GAME!!!1!!!!!!111!!!1″ (Editor’s note: I’m going to write it that way from now on. Just try and stop me) I realized that he was one of these pick-up artist types and, for whatever reason, had decided to practice on us. Even though I’m married and the other girl has a boyfriend. Whatever.
And so I wrote this post.
To the men who hate women
You know who you are. You’re the guys who post on Craigslist about how North American women want too much and don’t know how to please a man. You’re the batshit insane dude who comments on Globe and Mail articles about how rape victims deserved what they got. You’re the guy who’s lonely and thinks all women are against him because they don’t respond to your pick-up lines.
You’re the guy that thinks men and women are locked into this never-ending manipulative game, where she’s trying to “tame” you and make you into a non-man, so you have to keep her at a distance to protect yourself. You think that approaching a woman in a bar and saying, “I find you extremely desirable” is a reasonable way to begin a relationship. Let me tell you something:
Nobody, but NOBODY, in the entire world is actually playing the game you think they are. I do not know a single woman, married, single, or promiscuous, who is looking to take a man down and make him into a pussy. Women want the same things as everyone else – friendship, love, sex, a chance at a connection.
Also, when you try a creepy line on a woman and she turns you down, it isn’t necessarily because she’s a cold-hearted bitch. First of all, any woman who’s ever spent time alone in a bar knows how uncomfortable and vulnerable it feels. Your instinct is to keep strange men away, not engage with them. Second, there are lots of reasons why she might not be interested that have nothing to do with you. She might be in a relationship already. She might be a lesbian. She might be a Mormon fundamentalist just escaped from a plural marriage. She might be an amputee fetishist and you still have both legs. Hell, she might have eaten some bad nachos and feel like throwing up. It’s not all about you.
Moving on, think about it how relationships actually form. How did everyone you know who’s in a relationship get into it? They got to know each other somehow in their normal life. They worked together. They were in a class together. They were both fans of the same band. They were hypnotized together at a mentalist show. He rear-ended her car and they clicked. She sold him a motorcycle. They both commented on Pharyngula. Did your dad pick your mother up in bar? I bet he didn’t.
All I’m saying is this: Women are people, not arrogant robots. Treat us like we have feelings and needs, think about things from our perspective every now and then, and step back from the adversarial battle-of-the-sexes bullshit. And don’t be a douche. You’ll be a happier man.
Note: There’s some excellent commentary on Sodini and the pick-up artists here and here.
I’m not a woman, but kudos to you on this post, particularly the amputee line. I can tell you that it can be very frustrating to be single – for both sexes, I’m sure. The natural inclination is for a person to become defensive and ask why it is that so and so spurned you or doesn’t seem interested in you. That is because rejection is something that does hurt. Regardless, I think that there are some men and perhaps some women out there who cannot process the feeling of rejection. Minimal rejection turns into self-defeating thoughts which then have to be turned into anger and rage at the world. Mr. Sodini had woven anger and pain into his personality for decades and let it loose, unfortunately on innocent women and men. I think that there are a lot of angry dudes out there, men who have problems processing the hurt they feel about rejection and self-esteem issues. The way they deflect it is by becoming pompous, egotistical and controlling. It’s unlikely Mr. Sodini would have been happy with a girlfriend. She may have just ended up black and blue. Your post is good and offers valuable insight into the way some people see others.
The previous poster makes a good point:
I think that there are some men and perhaps some women out there who cannot process the feeling of rejection
And it’s likely true that women are typically socialized to internalize that feeling of rejection and respond passively while men are, to various degrees, expected to “take control” of the situation. Pseudo-philosophies that glorify that sort of thing are bullshit. Because they tacitly encourage this sort of behaviour, and also because they allow men to be self-deluded about their real problems and dig themselves into anti-social holes.
Men in touch with reality are much sexier, as I should well know.
This is very well written but can I make a suggestion? Maybe save some scorn for women and don’t wrap them in the flag of virtue so much –re: “Women are people, not arrogant robots”
I say this based on personal experience, yes yes anecdotes are worth about as much as a penny I know I know. But here’s my bit, you wrote this excellent piece on manchildren who play “teh game !!!!!11!!!!” or whatever, and it’s true there are a shit ton of moronic men doing this. But dial it back, there are a few women doing it too (which I know you don’t explicitly rule out).
The reason I’m saying this is thusly, in both competing ‘gender camps’ there are a hodge podge collection of out and out psychopaths and some of them are quite good at being the wolf in sheeps clothing. I dated one briefly and she was a royal head fuck.
That’s all, yeah I got burnt, it’s an anecdote but here’s why I’m writing. I was loving everything until the women/robots thing. I’m sure you don’t intend it as such but it seems to leave off possible criticism of female gameplay and/or psychoness. My gut feeling is you never intended that so I’m thinking an editor would have said something similar (but likely without baring their own personal experiences wide open to see)
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This post doesn’t have anything to do with your situation, and doesn’t write-off the reality of what you’re saying in any way. Cruelty comes in lots of forms and degrees of severity – what you’re talking about and what she’s talking about belong in totally different worlds. You got burned, not shot.
If you try reading this post as “people who aren’t capable of dealing with emotional vulnerability have a serious problem” (which is actually what it’s about), than I think you might see that what you’re talking about isn’t invalidated in any way.
Everyone who makes themselves emotionally vulnerable to others goes through the sort of shit you’re talking about, but that doesn’t trivialize it. The point is that it’s a noble thing to have the capacity to deal with it and move on, and not to allow your pain force you to see relationships as a confrontation with the opposite sex. People who can’t do that have a big problem – are you one of them?
No, probably not. So this post isn’t about you and your bad relationships. Doesn’t invalidate your feelings. Has nothing to do with them. It’s about people who avoid bad relationships by poisoning their definition of what a relationship is.
Unfortunately so many of the people who read the Game seem to treat it only as a manual.
If they would bother to read through to the end (or rather, to study the end like they study the rest of the book) they’d realize that he grew increasingly disgusted with that world that he had helped create, saw how it destroyed people, and left the pick-up artist game.
I read it as more of a cautionary tale.
As for the middle part where he talks about methods, it all boils down to having confidence. And that, at least, is good advice. Some of the specific stuff they do is remarkably lame and could have only been pulled off with self-confidence.
i love your post about PUA men….(or as I call them: Narcissistic Infants).
please read my bog and let me know what you think!
http://eqwithdenise.wordpress.com/
Thanks
Denise
any man that knows women well enough has that love/hate thing goin’ on 4 ‘em. we don’t understand women. the head-bobbing, shoes, chattering. when we marry u girls, we do it for sex, and those that dig society do EVERYTHING for “love.” i hate women, but for totally different reasons. i dislike prostitution. if i have 2 pay 4 love, i’ll do without. when women act as objects, i’ll do without. shute, give me a girl that realizes she has 10 fingers like i do and can open her own door. how about winning a noble prize, or inventing something, or just wear shoes that make sense. now part of why i am the way that i am is because of school. i wasn’t a thug or an athlete, so women didn’t like me, they picked on me. and they haven’t changed. but i will no longer dumb myself down to attract the opposite sex. this aint the kalahari desert. and words like faith and love shouldn’t exist. women just need 2 get real.
And you need to learn how to spell, asshat.
Let me start off by saying I’m a former member of that community. I mean, I was never into the “game stuff”. I.E I was always against the techniques, tricks etc. I was more in the “natural game” camp, where you learn how to communicate and flirt and just be social.
But I’m now completely opposed to the idea of “sarging”, i.e. approaching or trying to meet women, and the entire community.
“his involvement with various”Pick-Up Artist” gurus”
You do realize he never was involved with “various pick up gurus” do you? The guy made entries announcing this months in advance, and only took one seminar from a dating author (not pickup guru), in some of his later days.
“”Also, when you try a creepy line on a woman and she turns you down, it isn’t necessarily because she’s a cold-hearted bitch. “”
Its not the turning down, its in the HOW she does it. I’m not Brad Pitt. I know. My social skills suck… I know. Due to my shyness, I kinda maybe come off as creepy to someone… I know.
This is no reason to take a huge butcher knife and stab it into my heart. The percentage of women who treat you like crap if you approach in any manner that’s less than ideal is not excusable.
I had days when I was so “on” that every girl I approached we had great fun and just flirted and it was cool.
But when I was even 5% less than charismatic, as much as 30% of women felt it was their right to mock me, ridicule me, blow me off and treat me like a pervert for daring to introduce myself. The pain this brings is unbearable.
We’re just looking for love and intimacy… And you have no idea how your 50th rejection in a row feels…
What really puts salt on the wound, is how objectively, these women were no better than men (most of them were objectively below me)… And then you go online, tv, and all you hear is women whining about how men are at fault for everything.
I once had a nervous breakdown after my 50th rejection and just cried for a month straight.
ITS NOT the rejection itself, but how women do it. Most women feel absolutely no need to treat you like a human being and refuse politely. A huge percentage feel the need to let you know that you’re not worthy of a yes.
ITS THE SH**Y DEAL THAT KILLS US
IF we don’t approach we’re gutless and stupid and not real men and you complain how we’re spineless.
If we do approach, if its not the right time, right moment, right way, you get all indignant and cry foul and offense.
AND THIS WOULD BE OK, if it worked.
What kills us most is women’s sense of entitlement and like we men owe them something. Screw that. Stop telling us how to do it. If you’re so freaking perfect and idea, why don’t YOU do it?
I’ve done my share. I’ve approached enough. I will not be shamed and guilted by women around me to start “trying again” with the good old “but not all women are like that”.
It doesn’t matter! It doesn’t matter if not all women are like that. If I have to be stabbed in chest a whole bunch of times to just be given a chance… I don’t care how good she is, its not worth it.
Stop the male bashing. Stop the male blaming. Start taking some responsibility. Men are opting out of the dating game, and I do believe its mostly women’s fault.
- A recent research showed that women find 80% of women to be sub-average.
- Now, we all know about these unrealistic standards, but in my experience women actually feel indignant and like its their right to get the top 20% guys, and anyone who isn’t a top dog, needs to be stomped on and treated like crap–> how dare you ask me out! You are not brad pitt! HOW DARE YOU! I shall file sexual harassment charges.
I say sincerely that I would flinch an eye to see most women end up as old, miserable ladies with cats. They’ve laid that choice for themselves, let them have it.
I was going to write a detailed response, but really, why bother? If you can write something like this and still think that *women* are the entitled ones, then there’s really no getting through to you.
I would say that I hope you, too, die alone with only a cat for company, but even a cat deserves better.
Honestly, people like you make me want to go live under a rock. Please fuck off and find some other year-old blog posts to spew on.
i’ve given up on ‘em man. we only want 1 thing from ‘em and u gotta go thru SO much 4 it, it isn’t even worth it. most women r prostitutes, $ comes first.
Comments on this post are now closed, as are those on the original posting. I am tired of dealing with periodic moron infestations.
Attention, douchebags!
If you send me creepy emails now that you can’t post here, I promise you that I WILL translate them into lolspeak, post them, and mock you soundly. Don’t believe me? Read this:
http://scintillator.wordpress.com/2010/01/27/i-get-email/
Now kindly fuck off.
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